Feeling good

Finally the past caught me. It's like a voice murmuring behind my ears: "You ran too fast, you went too far, slow down, look back and wait". So, like a lone cyclist on the run, I have been finally reached by the group. And this was not a bad news at all. I found back a lot of people that probably I left behind me too early. I discovered again people who were my life and always so they will be.
I wrote on this blog more than 6 weeks ago last time. It's a very long and unusual time. But it has been the necessary time to let the smoke and ash fall down on the floor to be swept away then. And so I did.
I am back in Istanbul since 1 day. And I already tasted how it's hard to be ubiquitous and some good thing is simply gone. But no matter.
I also should complain because after all my efforts still the path didn't reach the summit of the mount, but on the contrary, I see that this time in Italy was a kind of extra-time given my life to live again like 10 years ago and put on the table this fateful question for me: was all done what you left? Sometimes the answer is: let's try. Let's try to go back to certain places (or should I call them battle grounds?) and see what happens now that I have grown. Anyway I think this is not a lack of time, I think this is a privilege.
I spent most of these 6 weeks in Milan, then Rome and Bari. I will try to collect here some pictures of this journey. I was fine. Well, actually, I am feeling good.

Hell Istanbul

I finally see that Istanbul is a damned city. It's a living hell. It can happen living there to face really absurd situations, open holes to the flames of the hell. Life is hard there. Like in any megalopolis the struggle for life is hard and the differences are so near to each other that you can see the opposites at the same sight. And even the opposite of the worse things often is not the better things, but still something which is imprisoned in a standard mood and bravely is only trying to preserve itself. My best friends here turned normally (or were since the beginning?) into idiots, psychopaths and motherfuckers, but this you can not see at the beginning, you discover only later, after you start to trust them, (here they are professional hell citizens).
But of course I still have daily proofs of pure and amazing friendship. And like a flower on the shit, a light in the dark, a fountain in the desert, like a virgin in a brothel, it is something that you will never exchange for nothing else.

Hope is a trap

Can you see this picture? I took it a few days ago in the suburbs of Izmir. I like to take pictures of animals, especially horses. So, as soon as I saw those horses I took my camera and I shot. I shot first the horses. Then I saw a donkey, alone, on the opposite side of the field. So I took a picture also only of him. Then I took a photo of the whole scene, the horses on one side, the donkey on the other side, to catch the distance between them.
Then I watched again the picture and I saw there is a barbed wire in it. Finally I stopped and I thought if this picture wants to tell me something.
The day I decided to give the movie this name, "Katırlar doğurunca" (when the mules will give birth), I was only thinking of a tale of Herodotus, where he is mentioning the story of the siege of Babylon by Xerxes, the king of Persians. One citizen of Babylon, after years of useless siege, shouted at the king outside the walls: "Xerxes, it's better if you go back to Persia, because you will be able to conquer Babylon only when the mules will give birth".

Dancing on the railways turnouts

From the cold fields of olive trees in Adelfia to the nice cold gardens in Neukölln. It's not easy to summarize what happened between. I feel like I am living without breath, dancing on the railways turnouts, running fast, without exactly knowing where I am going. It is not that I don't have clear ideas of what I would do. Oh, clear ideas I have a lot. But many things seem out of my control. But still I am dancing, because the run is fast and the chance to turn suddenly direction is so high.
In a few hours I will take a flight back to Istanbul after 5 weeks. Things there have changed a lot. I don't have a place, for instance. But some good friend will host me. Then some people decided to go, to get out of my life. Farewell, in any case.
Probably I will watch the city for the first time as a place which could be not mine anymore. Maybe I will feel a stranger, and it would be the first time after so long. I don't know. Maybe I will watch Istanbul as a love to conquer again and for this reason she will seem even more beautiful to me. Since november 2008 I have never spent so much time far from Istanbul. In any case, this 5 weeks trip through Europe signs the end of an era and a new beginning. Every new beginning is marked by a big backpack full of stuff. Like a turtle I am back to live with all of my things on my shoulders, changing bed every few days, dreaming of a roots ground that maybe really doesn't exist.

Present and absent friends

Nothing better when you have to recover than to find a quiet place full of new and old friends. That's what is happening in those days. Sweet weather, good food, mother and father, amazing countryside, some work not to lose contact with reality and lots of dear friends. One new friend I found is Zazà. He is a thoroughbred horse "murgese", from Murge, the hills around Bari. He is black and muscled, he is 4 years old, so it means he is just a young boy, and it seems he is very bad, he looks like always angry and he wants to bite everybody. But it's not true, he is so sweet and sociable, just at the beginning he wants to appear rude. And then I give him lots of apples, so he must love me...
You know, the first time I climbed on him, he also reared, but I can understand him, too much confidence at the beginning can be suspected. But then we became very good friends..
Another friend instead came from far, by flight. Once I am in Italy for a few weeks, it's better not to lose the chance to find me, you never know. So Laura took a flight from Bergamo in the north of Italy and came to visit me. How many things we had to tell us, Laura, after all these years? And we chose some good place as background of our long tales: Matera, Polignano a mare. She just left yesterday. Now I feel like I know a little bit more who I have been, who I am. But who will I be? Too much to know by now.

Human intelligence wanted

Now I will tell a story that hardly I could imagine one day to tell. However the details will remain kept in the suffering depths of my remote memory. You will never imagine that a friend, or a so-called friend, could go so far. Far where any thin glimpse of trust is forever shut down. Far where to be bored, or perhaps to be secretly used to think himself allowed to do everything, leads him to rob a contact behind your shoulder, use this contact to full his dramatic loneliness, spend your name to get closer to this third person, always behind your shoulder, and finally abuse of her, of her trust, of your trust, first of all, and finally leave her in a bed of impotence, psychologically raped and almost phisically, under confusion of too much alcohol.
And, after not feeling to have gone too much far, when you discover that and ask him about it, replying to you with threats of lawyers ready to take care of me. If in this page there are no names it's not for fear but for respect. That respect which is something belonging not to those who receive it but to those who use it as something you should never neglect. Respect to human intelligence, which is what this person is completely missing.
Success is one of the saddest illness, especially when it's gone and it's nothing more but an excuse to abuse of any personal relation around.
And so I left Istanbul, until when I don't know. I am saved from the shipwreck of Titanic and I landed on the hospitable shores of Puglia.

Titanic

So, the end has come. I don't know if it is an end or a new beginning. Anyway the end of something has come. In these hours is like to be on the Titanic in the last moments before the sinking. This is my last connection from this house, still watching the Galata tower outside the window while I am writing.
It's not easy to keep the hand steady on the rudder when the wind is blowing hard and the massive waves are crashing against the boat. But I will not sink with the boat (and this wooden flat really seems like the room of a big boat). I will not sink and I will leave the boat just a second before to sink. Because I can not die here. I have to save something. I have to save 3 hard-discs full of loving efforts. That's why I take them and I run away, once again. To Berlin first.
We got to be strong, right? We must stand up and be good people even when people all around seem to turn crazy. But sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I wonder which is my fault. I got so many problems from those who called themselves "friends of mine". There must be something wrong somewhere, but I can't see. I will ask my nostalgia of Istanbul for an answer in the coming weeks. But I guess I am still not ready to hear that answer.
Hoşça kal, Istanbul, acı dolu olsa bile sevdim seni..

Kesik minare

Antalya raining day, spent at home with friends because of the hard rain outside. But the concert yesterday was great. As all the concerts with "Kara Güneş", you know when you start, you don't know when you finish. Normally we are always the last ones leaving the place. And until there are just a few customers, we still keep on playing. Yesterday we started at 21 and we finished almost at 4 in the morning. We make a lot of breaks, it's true, but it's a neverending playing. After all they have hundreds of songs in their background coming from the turkish popular and traditional songs. We normally work on 20-30 songs, but then normally we play half of them and for the rest they start other songs, many of which I don't know, but played on similar patterns that I can easily follow. I wait them to play one time the melody and then I start and follow. Anyway musically is a great experience for me bathing in the deep turkish traditional music, but also a pleasure to be among these friends.
Ah, by the way. In these days some musical turkish tv channels are broadcasting the video-clip I shot for Sultan Tunç: "Bir yol hikayesi".

Amazing surprises

Last friday, january 29, it happened really something unexpected: I was witness at the wedding. Arezoo and Kaveh were married. Kaveh is a new member of the diaspora from Iran, after the heavy demonstrations in Tehran last summer. Arezoo left Iran many years ago and now she is living in Canada. So, when by chance you are stuck in a country for reasons of visa, it's possible that you need to marry whenever and wherever it is possible. So, by chance, they were married here in Istanbul. And now they are already far apart but Kaveh will hopefully join Arezoo soon.
I was very honored and I wish you happiness and long life!!!
I met Kaveh a few months ago. We know what it means to leave a country behind. But of course I am luckier than him, the opponents in Italy are not executed by hanging and I can go back to Italy whenever I want.
Meanwhile, in these days "our" 2 roosters, respectively the president of Iran and the premier of Italy, are fulling the sky of Middle East with their threats. It's comic, isnt' it?

Snowball fight

It's snowing since 3 days!!! Crazy. It's not something rare in Istanbul, but certainly something unusual.. Sometimes people just leave the car on the side of the street and go on by foot. Especially the first day, when it was a surprise. People don't use to have chains for the wheels in the car. So, for example, here, coming down the hill, cars were just skating down and some guys holding the car by the sides trying to push it into the street. Crazy things...
Now it's still snowing and the tower out of the window is surrounded by flurries of snow flakes.
I upload some pictures below, but beside this extraordinary event, I would like to spend a few words about some video-works produced in Italy which I feel somehow linked with.
I speak today about this because since today it will be possible to watch on italian version of Current Channel the documentary "Una montagna di balle" (= a mountain of balls), produced by InsuTv in Naples, which also I collaborated for.

The photo

If I were to just take a picture of these days I should take a photo while riding a bicycle I'm climbing the hill that leads from the Galata tower to Tünel, just down my house after all. Which is a climb of all respect, indeed, it is a chore! It takes about 3 minutes to climb. With the occasional car traffic coming down the narrow alley and me hardly balancing to not stop and lose the rhythm between cars and pedestrians. And passers-by, of course, many of them tourists, who look at me a little strange (someone did not resist taking a picture).
But this is just an imaginary picture, because who knows in which far corner of the world is now that picture, who knows where came from the tourist who has taken it.
Cycling in Istanbul is a form of active resistance. Sure, because the city is full of dramatic height difference, but mainly because the traffic is often fierce, and there is no culture of cycling. That is why cycling in Istanbul for me is a form of active resistance, because it means to express by facts another idea of world endangering myself.
So, this imaginary picture I can not show. But today I have so many more photos. Francesca and Nicola (Nice) came to visit me. And when old friends see each other again years later (as in the case of Nicola and me) is inevitable to try to take a photo of themselves and others.

What love is

How much it cost me to admit my defeats? Leave the battlefield, fleeing. A sadness that I carried within me for over a year. And I spent everything I had to open another route to avoid a direct confrontation which was an unequal struggle and to start again to imagine a new assault later. Or the end.
It cost a lot.
Because I lost too many things to make this movie, because it cost me really a lot in every sense.
But what is love if not to be ready to lose everything for love?
And like for all the births, we need so much love because the mules are about to give birth.

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I wish for all a 2010 of mental health and good faith!

What's going on?

Sometimes reality breaks out in a very not understandable way. Especially when violence takes place instead of dialogue. I am really stunned by things happened in these last days.
In Turkey seems that a new era (the darkest imaginable) has begun. After the decision of the Constitutional Court to ban the DTP party, riots and anger poured out in the streets. Even here in Istanbul, in Tarlabaşı, the district where I lived until last August, people came down and fought the police just to express their frustration. In the streets where I used to go and shop, meet friends and, after all, live, I saw scenes of unspeakable violence. It was only a miracle if nobody was dead.

Bourgeois justice has faded

Today 40 years after the massacre of "Piazza Fontana" in Milan. 17 people died. The perpetrators and instigators of the massacre are still unknown.
The same situation applies also to all the other Italian massacres. Yesterday we saw a comedy, yes, it was. Filippo Graviano said he never met Marcello Dell'Utri. His brother, Giuseppe Graviano, has exercised the right to silence. 
Yesterday night, the Turkish Costitutional Court shut down DTP, the Kurdish party. This decision will exacerbate the war in Kurdistan.
"Bourgeois justice has faded", sing Banda Bassotti.
LISTEN HERE "Luna rossa".

Live from the night of the Republik

Ascolta in diretta la deposizione di Gaspare Spatuzza. CLICCA QUI!
Ore italiane: 12.32: "Graviano mi disse: quello che ci garantisce è quello di Canale 5. Graviano mi fece il nome di Berlusconi e mi disse che grazie a lui e al compaesano nostro ci eravamo messi il Paese tra le mani. Graviano mi disse che avevamo ottenuto tutto quello e questo grazie alla serietà di quelle persone che avevano portato avanti questa storia, che non erano come quei quattro 'crasti' socialisti che avevano preso i voti dell'88 e '89 e poi ci avevano fatto la guerra".
 
Live of the deposition of the Mafia repentant Gaspare Spatuzza.
Italian time: 12.32: "Graviano told me who ensures us is the one of Canale 5. Graviano mentioned Berlusconi and told me that thanks to him and to our neighbor we had put the country in our hands. Graviano told me that we get everything and this is due to the seriousness of those people who carried this story, who were not like those 'assholes' socialists who had taken our votes in '88 and '89 and then we had war".

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